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If someone is not helping you get closer to your goal, they’re taking you away from it.
This is a hard concept to accept. Is it really that black and white? Isn’t it okay for someone to be passive?
Think of a Flintstones car. The bottom of the car is open so you can pedal with your feet. The people in your life are in the Flintstone’s car with you. Even though they may not be backpedalling, if they’re sitting there and not helping you move forward, their dead weight is slowing you down!
You can’t afford to have people in your life who aren’t on board with your vision.
So how in the world do you get those people to buy in? What if they’re not supportive? What if they’re discouraging? What if they don’t care? What if these people are your family members?
Whether it’s your friends, parents, siblings, or spouse, you must get everyone in your life on board.
Easier said than done, right?
We talk about how to do that in today’s episode. The HOW is actually not very obvious at all.
If you know there are people in your life who:
- A: Don’t know your vision.
- B: Aren’t on board with your vision.
- C: Are actively discouraging you from your vision.
This show is for you.
Highlights, Takeaways, Quick Wins
- You know you’ve effectively communicated when you hear your message come out of the other person’s mouth.
- The responsibility of communication lies on you as the communicator.
- All anyone wants is to feel understood. If you can make someone feel understood, they will listen to you.
- If you want people to get on board, you first need a clear vision.
- To get someone on board with your vision, the first step is to invest in their life.
- Everyone in your life is either getting you closer or taking you away from your goal.
- Invest in the people that matter to you until they’re on board 100%, then you can go forward.
- Take responsibility for everything in your life. This is the only way to not be a victim.
- Show people respect if you want them to really listen and invest in what you have to say.
- 06:13 Sean: seanwes conference. Ben, it’s a mere eight months away. seanwes conference 2017, in Austin, Texas. Laci says that we can share the venue—it’s Brazos Hall. We haven’t even put up the official website and all the speakers and everything, but we have some good people coming. It’s going to be a good time.
- 06:44 I’m telling you now because you want to go ahead and get your ticket now. If you’ve been thinking, “I wanted to come to seanwes conference, I was thinking about going last year but didn’t make it. I had plans to go for 2017…” Now is the time. Now is when you want to register, because the price is going up $500. If you want to save $500 on seanwes conference, register now.
- 07:08 The other thing is attendance is limited. Last year, we didn’t really promote the conference all that much. I don’t know if I was super public about this, but in the beginning, I was thinking that it would be a member-only event.
- 07:23 Ben: Didn’t it remain that way up until the conference?
- 07:28 Sean: For a while. I was kind of quiet about it. I didn’t go out of my way to promote it. This time, we’re going all out on promotion. You can expect this to sell out. Attendance is limited. We’re limiting it. I would hate for people who were always intending and planning to go, who said, “Yeah, at some point I’ll get my ticket,” to miss out. It’s a good time to register now, before the price goes up $500. Make sure you get your seat. I wanted to put that out there. seanwes.com/conference. We’re going to go all out for seanwes conference this year—it’s going to be a good time.
- 08:02 Cory: I would suggest people go watch the video. It’s so good.
- 08:08 Sean: We did an episode a while back called How to Get Your Spouse On Board 100% Even if They’re Scared, episode 262. That’s an extremely valuable episode. Obviously, a lot of this will apply to a spouse. I found myself referring a lot of people who weren’t married to that episode. I was saying, “I know it’s about getting your spouse on board, but it’s really about anyone in your life.”
- 08:45 If they’re not married, they’re like, “I’m not going to listen to an episode about how to get your spouse on board.” I wanted to broaden it. So many of the things we talked about there apply across the board, so I wanted to broaden it to getting everyone in your life on board. If you are married, I would definitely check out that episode. From what people have said, it has been life changing. It’s changed their marriage in a good way.
- 09:12 This episode does boil down to communication, but we’re going to get a little more specific about getting people in your life on board. Communication is both the sending and the receiving of a message. When you communicate with someone, you can’t just speak at them and say, “I communicated.” If you send out a broadcast into the radio waves and no one picks it up, you haven’t communicated with anyone. You’ve broadcasted, sure. If no one is picking up what you’re putting out there, you haven’t communicated.
- 09:49 Ben: It’s like when I try to talk to my kids during chore time, after dinner. They’re running around playing and stuff.
- 09:57 Sean: They don’t want to do chores.
- 09:59 Ben: I stand in the center of the kitchen and I just yell out, “Boys, do your chores!” That does the trick, right? No. I have to go and get them by the face and say, “Stop everything you’re doing and thinking right now. I see you thinking about something else. Just listen for a second.”
- 10:19 Sean: How do you know when you’ve effectively communicated? When you’ve got them by the face.
- 10:33 That’s the only way you know. You’ve got to get that response. You have to remember that the responsibility of communication lies on you as the communicator. Here’s some bad examples. These are things that you don’t want to say. “I don’t think you care.” You’re projecting onto them. “You don’t care. This is how I’m feeling. You don’t care, so because I feel like you don’t care, I’m going to tell you that I think you don’t care.”
- 11:04 That’s not a good way to get someone on board. It would be better to ask them a question, like, “Do you care? What are your thoughts about this?” Open up. Actually care about how they feel, what they’re thinking, and ask them questions rather than saying, “You don’t understand.” It’s not good to tell someone, “You don’t understand.” Instead, you should say, “Hey, when I say things like, ‘These are my goals,’ or, ‘This is what I want to achieve,’ does that make sense to you?”
- 11:34 Give them a chance to respond rather than saying, “You don’t understand. I don’t think you believe in me.” “Hey, do you believe in me? Is there anything I could do to make this easier for you? Is there anything you’re unsure about?” Ask questions. open up that dialogue.
- 11:53 Ben: Is the goal to get them to care also? Or is the goal something else? Even if they aren’t excited about something with you, even if they don’t care about it with you the same way you care about it, is the goal to make sure that they at least understand and are supportive?
- 12:14 Sean: It’s kind of like stages. They’re either apathetic and don’t care at all, or maybe they care a lot and they’re against it. Then there’s just, “Okay, that’s cool. I’m aware of it. I understand it. I’m not actively supportive of it, but I’m aware of it.” Then there’s actively being supportive. These are different stages. Obviously, one is better than the other, but it’s kind of a progressive thing.
- 12:58 Ideally, you want everyone in your life actively on board. You want them actively supporting you. “How can I help?” Maybe that doesn’t mean doing work, but maybe that means allowing you to do work. Maybe that means supporting you in some way. Maybe it does mean coming on board and helping out. “Hey, what can I do to help?” That would be the ideal state to get to.
You know you’ve effectively communicated when you hear what you’ve been trying to say come out of the other person’s mouth.
People Aren’t Listening, They’re Waiting to Talk
- 13:21 Sean: There’s a big difference between listening and waiting to talk. A lot of people both engage in what seems like a conversation, and really, it’s just a broadcasting match. Each person is acting like they’re listening to the other, but really, they’re waiting for their turn to talk. If you want to get someone on board, you want to actively listen to them. Really listen.
- 13:52 Repeat back, “Hey, this is what I hear you saying. This is what I took out of what you just said. Is that accurate? Do you feel like I understand where you’re coming from?” They’ll say, “Well no, not quite,” and they might explain it, or they’ll say, “Yes! I do! That makes sense.” At that moment, you have their attention. That’s really the only moment that any one is ever listening to you.
- 14:18 It’s when they feel understood. That’s all anyone ever wants. All anyone wants is to feel understood. If you can give people that feeling of understanding, they will be willing to listen to you.
- 14:33 Ben: You can’t expect somebody to listen to and understand you in a way that you’re not willing to demonstrate first with them. That’s what I hear you saying.
- 14:46 Sean: Yeah, that’s it, Ben. That’s it. See, now is the moment when you would want to say whatever it is that you wanted me to hear, whatever your message was that was important—I’m tuned in to you. I’m like, “Yes!” I’m attentive to you because you were listening to me. We’re trying to get someone on board with our vision.
Stop thinking about the next thing you’re going to say and listen to the other person.
Know Your Vision First
- 15:12 Sean: This kind of ties into a question that Renata asked a little bit earlier, before the show started, “What if you’re constantly reassessing your direction, making changes, or don’t have a clear path of how you will achieve the thing you want? How do you keep your family supporting you even though they don’t see the whole picture? Or see the logic in your plan?” You have to know your vision first.
- 15:34 If you’re still figuring it out and trying to change things, like, “Maybe I want to do this, maybe I want to do that,” it’s hard to get anyone on board. People want to follow someone who looks like they have a sense of direction.
- 15:52 Where are you going? If you’re not sure, Renata, if you’re constantly reassessing your direction, I would first put all of your energy into figuring out where you’re going and what your grand vision is. Maybe, right now, honestly, all you can think about, your grand vision, is that you want to quit your job. It doesn’t have to necessarily be a world-changing idea, but eventually, it can be. Eventually, it could. That’s good.
- 16:20 Right now, it might just be, “I really want to quit this job. I’m not happy here. I really want to get another job. I really want to start my own business. I really want to expand, maybe bring on some people, maybe open up a new location.” Maybe it’s a bigger vision. “I want to open up a physical location for my products. I want to open up a restaurant, a coffeeshop, or start a nonprofit.” Maybe you have a really big vision.
- 16:50 You have to figure out what that vision is first before you can go working on people to get them on board. They need that clarity, too.
- 16:59 Ben: The people in your life don’t keep a running tally of the number of times you’ve set off in a direction and then changed or set off in a direction and then failed. For the most part—unless somebody’s a real jerk, they don’t do that with you purposefully.
- 17:34 That makes me, as a person who is supportive, want to be more mindful of my tendency to do that. As somebody who is looking for support from other people, I have to level with that reality. If I’ve historically been inconsistent in my focus, that’s what people are going to expect. They’re going to behave as if that is what I’m going to continue to do—not because they think that’s who I am or they’re doing it on purpose, but because they’ve been conditioned to expect that.
- 18:11 If I’m aware of that, I can work to overcome that by really sharpening my focus, by staying the course. Maybe that means you have to spend two to three years laser-focused on a single thing for people to finally start saying, “Okay, alright, this seems different.” Again, they aren’t sitting back on purpose saying, “This person has to prove themself to me.” It’s just because of the way things have been, historically. Keep that in mind.
- 18:49 Sean: We did an episode a while back on How to Set Goals When Long-Term Thinking is Difficult. If you’re having trouble thinking of that vision, coming up with that vision, because you’re not naturally a long-term thinker, that episode is really good. That’s where we talk about reality aligning with your mindset.
- 19:11 Your vision isn’t necessarily something you know you can achieve right away, it’s where you want to go. It may not look like that right now, but you’re just waiting for reality to align with your mindset. Cory Miller just shared Invisible Details episode 54, called Develop a Vision Others Can Get On Board With, and that’s a good one to check out as well.
If you want people to get on board with a vision, you have to have a vision, a clear direction.
People remember the times when they supported someone who seemed to have a clear direction, but then that person suddenly shifted or changed.
Dealing With Fear & Uncertainty
- 19:35 Sean: Let’s take the person who’s in a day job who wants to quit. Let’s say your spouse is kind of apprehensive. Some people want to quit their job and start a business. A lot of times, your spouse is going to be a little bit scared about that. It’s understandable. It’s a scary thing. Not only are you taking away something that is certain or that seems sure, but you’re replacing it with something that’s uncertain.
- 20:03 It’s a double hit, taking away the sure thing and embracing an unsure thing. That’s part of why we have the the Overlap Technique. You get a foundational day job in place while you build the thing on the side. What often ends up happening is even after you have that day job foundation, even after you start building that thing on the side, even after you save up some money in your savings account, oftentimes, people might still be scared.
- 20:31 Your spouse still might be afraid. This often comes from a lack of communication. It was never discussed, the time or the amount of money that it would take before you could go out on your own, before you could do your own thing. It’s not actually like, “Oh, we have $100,000 in the bank. It’s obvious. We can quit the job and start our own thing.” Your spouse still might be apprehensive.
- 20:57 It was never about the amount of money, it was about the concept of the day job and the security in that day job. You’re going from something secure to something insecure. How do you get someone on board? How do you get them on board with doing something different, a direction that a lot of other people don’t do? Maybe you’re deciding not to go to college. Maybe you’re deciding to start your own business and not take the traditional path. How do you get someone on board with that when it’s really scary?
- 21:35 I can’t give you the magic phrases to say to get this person on board, but you have to know that if this person and their support really matters to you, you’ve got to communicate with them. You’ve got to have these conversations with them. This is what we talked about a little bit in episode 262. It can’t just be about you. You have to start with the other person. You can’t go to them and say, “I want you on board with my thing.”
- 22:04 “Why aren’t you supporting me? I need your support! I need you to be on board!” You can’t be all about yourself first. It’s the Rule of Reciprocity. You’ve got to give. You said this person means something to them. You’ve got to invest in their life. Start there.
- 22:24 How can you help them? How can you make them feel appreciated, understood, and valued? What is the thing that they want from you? How do they feel love from you? There are the five love languages. That’s a useful thing to study. For some people, it’s spending time with them. For other people, it’s giving gifts or performing acts of service. Knowing people’s love languages really goes a long way here.
- 22:50 When you can give to someone else in a way that makes them feel loved, if you do that enough, eventually, they’re going to want to reciprocate.
- 23:03 Ben: I had a weird thought this morning. I was preparing breakfast, and I don’t know why this thought crossed my mind, but I thought, “If I had an insurance policy that would cover all of our bills until my kids graduated and would take care of their college and stuff like that…” I was being really morbid. If something happened to me, I know for a fact that Rachel would much rather have me around than for us to have that kind of guarantee that all of our needs would be taken care of.
- 23:44 At the end of the day, in almost every single significant relationship in our lives, that relationship is more important than things like the feeling of safety or the feeling of security. Those things are important. They rank pretty high. That’s why in relationships where people feel pretty healthy, the focus shifts to those things. “Okay, do we have our needs taken care of?” That’s kind of an indicator that relationally, things are probably pretty good.
- 24:22 It’s also an opportunity to focus on the relationship. I really like what you said, Sean, about trying to understand how that person receives love and pouring into their life. The more full they feel in that relationship, the more fulfillment they feel, the less they’re going to be concerned about those other things. It’s not that those concerns go away, but it’s going to take the edge off.
- 24:56 Sean: It’s also a lot better when they’re the ones giving that support instead of you…
- 25:02 Ben: Demanding it.
- 25:03 Sean: Yeah. You’re trying to pull it out of them, “Come on, support me!” When you support them in their goals, their dreams, their desires, that’s going to come back naturally. Again, this doesn’t happen with one conversation. It doesn’t happen with one act of service, one gift, one outing where you spend time with this person. It doesn’t happen with one time. It’s like, “Well, how long do I go?” This comes down to, how important is the person to you?
Getting someone on board is not going to happen in one conversation, that’s for sure.
If you want someone on board with your vision, step one is to go invest in their life.
It’s much easier to have a conversation about taking risks when the other person feels like their needs are being met in that relationship.
Some People Are Not Going to Be on Board
- 25:35 Sean: For me, when it comes to my spouse, we are one unit. We’re a team. If she’s not on board, I’m not going to go forward. I can’t move forward, I can’t act, on a disagreement. We talked about this in that episode, 262—there’s room for disagreement up until the point of action. We can disagree. We can talk about things. Maybe we’re not on the same page, but before we take action, we have to get on the same page. You don’t want to take action on that disagreement.
- 26:15 For me, with my spouse, I have to get Laci on board. If she’s not on board, I’m not going to do it. When it comes to everyone else in my life, though, this is the controversial part of the show. I’m going to be an extreme case here. People can disagree with me. That’s fine. I want them to think. I want you guys to give me thoughts. You can disagree with me. I can’t say it enough because people will still make comments and stuff, but it’s okay to disagree with me.
- 26:49 I don’t expect any one person in my life, in my family, on my team, to agree with 100% of what I say. I expect you to think. That’s it. When it comes to my spouse, I won’t move forward on a disagreement, this is where I ask, “How important is this person to me?” If the person is very important, I will invest in their life and repeat that. Communicate, communicate, communicate, communicate. Invest, invest, invest. Do it a 14th time. Do it a 15th time. “I’ve already told you! I’ve already told you!” You don’t say that.
- 27:38 It’s the same with any kind of relationship. If it matters to you, you have to invest in it. If you want people on board with your vision, you have to share it over and over. You can’t say, “Remember that one time when I said I wanted to start my own thing? We were at this loud event and you kind of said yeah.” Every day, you’ve got to be telling them and investing in them.
- 28:00 Depending on how important this person is to you in your life, you have to invest in them until they get on board. What you cannot afford is to have people close to you in your life who are not on board with your vision. You cannot afford this. You can’t. It’s an anchor to your boat. You can’t move, you can’t go forward. It’s weight in your racecar. You can’t just burn out the motor and say, “Well, I’ve got this big weight in the back.”
- 28:36 Deal with the weight or get rid of the weight. You have to have people on board with your vision, or you will not make progress. If you say that you’re keeping people in your life who are negative, poisonous to you, discouraging to you, who say, “You can’t do this. You’re thinking too big. You shouldn’t go out on your own. You should stick to the tried and true path. You don’t have what it takes. I don’t believe in you,” it’s poison.
- 29:08 You can say, “I’m not going to cut them out because I love them. I care about them.” It’s very similar to having a bunch of passions. You have a bunch of passions, and you say, “No, I’m not going to curate and focus, because I have all of these passions. I’m not going to say no to music, because I love music. If I say no, that means I don’t love it.”
- 29:38 It’s not saying that you don’t love it. I know that success is my duty. I’m unwilling to not live up to my potential. I’m unwilling to let anyone else take away from my happiness, my fulfillment, and my success. I know if I’m more successful, I can help more people in this world. I can help the people that don’t believe in me, that discourage me. I can help them to a greater degree if, in the short term, I don’t allow them to hold me back from that.
- 30:14 That’s the controversial piece. You have to know the balance for yourself of how important this person is and how much time you should spend investing in them to get them on board vs. how much they’re dead set on not supporting you and always bringing you down. You have to know that balance. The goal needs to be that everyone in your life is on board with your vision—your friends, your siblings, you parents, your spouse, your coworkers. Everyone needs to know.
- 30:47 Every day starts fresh. You’ve got to communicate it every single day with these people. You’ve got to get them on board, and that starts with investing in them. That’s my big controversial piece, and I’m willing to break it down and have people disagree.
Every day starts fresh; if you haven’t communicated your vision today, you haven’t communicated it at all.
Saying to no something right now so you can say yes at the right time is the greatest gift you can give to it.
Everyone Is Bringing You Closer to Your Goal or Taking You Away From It
- 31:05 Ben: As you’re saying all these things, I’m taking inventory of my own life. I can’t say that I’m one of those people who has any significant person in my life actively working against the things I’m working toward. At worst, there may be people who are skeptical. I wouldn’t say that they’re supportive, but they say, “You can do what you want. We’re not going to sit here and say, ‘We don’t think you can do that.'” It’s a really subtle thing, too.
- 31:51 Maybe it’s because I haven’t had those conversations. Here’s where this is ending up. Maybe you’re taking stock of your life, too, and you’re looking at all your relationships, and you’re not sure where certain people stand. Is it better to have those conversations and try to figure out where somebody stands if they’re not a problem, or is it better to just let them be?
- 32:21 Sean: Tell me if Cory Miller is echoing your thoughts. He says, “Is it always either 100% on board or being poison? It feels like a black and white that doesn’t really show itself in my life. People may not be on board, but they’re not actively pulling me down or working against me. It might just be indifference.” Is that what you’re saying?
- 32:40 Ben: Yes, yes. And then I was moving on to say that some people just haven’t identified themselves because I haven’t had conversations with them about my goals. They are positioned in a place in my life where they don’t have much influence or a lot of contact. They’re still significant relationships.
- 33:03 Sean: The context I was talking about earlier is the people close to you in your life, in your life, not your great uncle that you talk to every six years.
- 33:15 Ben: I am talking about in-laws that you might see two to three times a month, or my own parents, for that matter, who I might see or talk to two to three times a month.
- 33:37 Ben: If someone is not helping you get closer to your goal, they’re taking you away. It doesn’t matter if you feel it, Cory Miller. This is the case. This is what I’m saying. Success is your duty. You have to see it as your duty. Fulfilling your potential is your duty. Get a clear picture, get a hunger and a drive for this vision. It’s like a Flintstones car. What’s at the bottom of a Flintstones car?
- 34:10 Ben: Nothing.
- 34:10 Sean: Nothing? Why?
- 34:12 Ben: Because they use their feet.
- 34:14 Sean: They use their feet to move the car. The people in your life that are close to you are in the Flintstones car with you. They’re not pedaling backwards. “Sean, they’re not taking me away from my goal!” There is no in between. People are either helping you get closer to the goal or they’re taking you away from it. It doesn’t matter if they’re backpedaling. If they’re not pedaling at all in a forward motion, they’re dead weight in the car.
- 34:44 This is what you have to understand. Everyone needs to be on board. They need to be in the boat, rowing. It doesn’t matter if they’re not rowing backwards. If they’re not rowing at all, they’re dead weight. They’re taking you away from the goal. Get them on board with the vision! Realize that this is in their best interest. You’re not just saying, “Get on board with my vision.”
- 35:04 Like I said earlier, step one is to invest in them. I’m shortening this step, because this step can actually take years. This first step could take a month, three years, or ten years. Invest in this other person. Invest until they want to give back to you, until they want to support you. This is not yanking them along, it’s not saying, “Get on board the train, man! We’re going!” It’s a deep caring for the people in your life, showing them love in a way that they feel love.
- 35:43 Ben: I think that’s the caveat I needed. It’s not, “Okay, I’ve chosen my goal. Now I’m going to work toward my goal, and if anyone in my life is not actively working toward that, then I have to boot them.” The caveat I needed was this. Personally, I value relationships. There are certain people where, despite differences of opinion and viewpoints, I still value those relationships because I care about that person. I want the best for them.
- 36:26 I want them to succeed. I want them to be happy. I believe that my presence in their life is a positive thing for them. If that’s true, rather than go all in on my goal and cut people out of my life, I spend time investing in them.
- 36:51 Sean: 100% of your energy. You completely put your business, your life, your passion, your goals, your projects all to the side.
- 37:14 None of that matters. If these people matter to you, no progress in any project, passion, dream, goal, vision, or mission matters at all in this world if the people close to you are not on board.
Anyone that’s close to you, that’s in your life regularly, you have to get them on board—they’re either getting you closer or taking you away from your goal.
Don’t take a step forward until you invest in the people that matter to you until they’re on board 100%, and then you can go forward.
Take Extreme Responsibility
- 37:29 Ben: With the Flintstones analogy, I’m going to get a little bit weird here. I work out. I’m sure the kids, when they’re in the car, as soon as they can reach the ground, have to help us pedal. They also weigh more because they’re taller. At first, they’re not very good at it. They’re not strong. They’re not used to the motion. They’re pushing, but it’s kind of a weak force. At least it’s a force in the right direction.
- 38:14 Given that analogy, does the level of on-boardness matter? Somebody who is willing to put their feet down and even lazily push it along, they’re at least offsetting their own weight. They’re still helping with the forward momentum. Is that enough?
- 38:40 Sean: That’s a good question. There are stages. It’s progressive. Here’s the mindset shift that people need. You need to take extreme responsibility.
- 38:56 It’s the only way. If you want to be happy and fulfilled in life, take ownership, take responsibility for everything that happens. Choose to see it as a result of something you either did or didn’t do. If you take ownership, then everything is within your control. When you control your response to something, nothing happens to you. You’re not a victim of anything. When I talk about this, I’m talking in the context of taking responsibility.
- 39:27 If someone is not on board, a lot of people listening to this are thinking, “That’s someone else’s problem. This is a person that’s not on board.” No, it’s a symptom of your lack of investment in their life. Why are they not on board? Even if they are on board, why are they only partially on board? They’re like, “Okay, it’s cool, do your thing.”
- 39:57 You need to stop thinking about it as, “They, this other person, is kind of supportive.” See that as a symptom of a deeper problem that is your responsibility. You have not invested in their life. I guarantee you, if you made the next year about investing in them as a person, they would not be so half-hearted about you. It seems like I’m talking about your mission and your goals, “Get people on board with your thing,” but it’s so much deeper than this.
- 40:32 It really is truly about investing in other people and helping them get to their goals, showing the people in your life that you care. I think the goal, ultimately, is to get everyone on board with your vision.
- 40:55 Why can’t we have these big huge overlapping circles where everyone is on board with their vision and each other’s visions?
- 41:03 Ben: Unless their vision is to undermine your vision. I get what you’re saying though.
- 41:11 Sean: My mind even goes to, “How can I make that a good thing? How can I make them so successful that it drives me to be successful, and the competition we spin off is good for the economy?” That’s just how I think.
Everything in your life is your responsibility—this is the only way to not be a victim.
Everyone in your life—friends, family, siblings, spouse, parents, coworkers—all need to be on board with your vision, and you should be on board with theirs.
Excitement Is Contagious
- 41:34 Ben: I really like the idea of spending the time necessary to get people on board. We have these goals and these visions, and maybe it’s not completely selfless. Maybe the thing we’re trying to do really benefits us quite a bit, but when you get people on board, when you get them to be supportive of you, your success becomes their success. Your win becomes their win. Maybe they’re a person who doesn’t experience that in their own life.
- 42:10 If you believe that you will be successful, if you believe that with the support of the people closest to you, you are going to reach your goals, then you’re also helping them reach a goal. It may not be their goal, but they get to see how their support becomes you reaching that goal. They get to take a piece of that win.
- 42:37 Sean: They’re supporting you because you supported them. Their success and their goals being furthered is built into it. Cory, you spend the most time with me outside of Laci in recent times, in the past couple years. Since you’ve been here, you work here all day. Talk to people and share how I operate, how we communicate, and how I get you on board with the vision and how you feel about that. Then talk about how I respond to your goals, dreams, and visions. How does that work together?
- 43:24 Cory: Sean, you and I have a very open relationship. We’re open about what we think, what we’re dreaming about, and we listen to each other. We hear the other person out. The reason I can get on board with your vision is not just because you’re communicating and I’m listening, but I see your level of excitement. That gets me excited. Just yesterday, I was talking to my friend Hope about everything I’m excited about with seanwes and with my goals.
- 44:02 I was just so excited. Her face lit up. She was so excited for me. I was like, “That’s true on-boardness,” if I can say that. That’s true support. If anyone’s confused, having someone 100% on board doesn’t have to look like them working with you. I’m a film maker. I want to make films. The people in my life don’t have to work on my films to be on board. They can just be like, “This is so great, what you’re doing. I’ve seen your excitement. I’m excited for you.” That’s on board.
- 44:35 If I share something and I’m so excited and I say, “We’re doing all these things,” and they say, “That’s pretty cool,” but they’re not excited about it, I don’t think they care.
- 44:50 Sean: Why don’t they care?
- 44:53 Cory: They’re not excited for me. If I’m being myself and I’m being open and true and genuinely excited about a dream and a vision, and the person isn’t receiving it, they might say, “Yeah, just be careful with this…” They start coming against it. You can tell.
- 45:10 Sean: That’s true, but even when you say that, it sounds like the first conversation. I don’t see them being that way on the 14th conversation. If they’re skeptical or they’re not really on board… let’s go back to what you said.
- 45:39 People watch YouTube videos of other people doing things that the viewer doesn’t even care about, and they keep watching because the person on the video is excited about doing it. There are TV shows around this. If you share that excitement and that enthusiasm, name one person you care about in the world where, if they were excited about something you didn’t care about at all, you wouldn’t be excited for them.
- 46:12 Would you not be excited for someone who’s excited about something? “Dude, I’m happy you’re happy. I don’t understand bungie jumping, but you seem pretty stoked about it.” If you care about the person, you care that they’re happy. You care that they’re excited. If you’ve communicated that enough and they’re still not, this person doesn’t care about you. Why do they get the privilege of being in your life?
- 46:40 Cory: I have to side on the extreme that you portray in what you talk about here. It just isn’t worth it.
- 46:48 Sean: I’m not saying to give up on that person forever. I’m just saying that right now, they’re dead set on holding you back. Kyle said in the chat, “Nobody can hold you down if nobody can hold you down.” I don’t understand what that means, but a lot of people starred it.
- 47:25 Ben: Nobody can hold you down if nobody can hold you down… The first one is the physical thing, nobody holding you down. The second part is the mindset.
- 47:46 Cory: He means that the people in your life are not the people that will hold you down. You’re cutting out the people that will hold you down, so if nobody in your life can hold you down, you’re not going to be held down.
When someone gets excited with you about the things you’re excited about, that’s being on board.
Excitement is contagious—when you’re excited, people will get excited for you.
Invite People Along on Your Journey
- 48:15 Sean: Bethany had a comment. “I’ve noticed for myself that I wouldn’t share the things I wanted to do because I was afraid of failing at that thing. I’m working on sharing more now and trying to be ok with failing. It’s a scary thing, but I feel more freedom and confidence, now more than ever. I have, so more people than ever know what I’m trying to do.” That is a scary thing, sharing your dream and your vision. It’s a vision because it hasn’t happened yet.
- 48:50 That means that there’s the potential that it fails, that it doesn’t work out. It’s kind of scary to say, “Hey everyone, get on board with this thing that might fail, that might not work out.” What are they going to think, Ben?
- 49:07 Ben: Kyle said something earlier in the chat, before the comment about being held down. He said, “I’ve learned it doesn’t help to go the ‘everything will be okay’ route. Be transparent about the potential issues or past mistakes. Trust is built on the realization that you’re improving and learning, not delusional.” I like that. The goal is not to try to appear confident when you don’t feel confident.
- 49:39 Your goal is not to try to appear courageous when you feel scared. It really is to communicate and to build all of those things into it, to say, “I’ve never done this before. I do feel scared. These are the ways it could fail.” Talk about those things. If you haven’t had those conversations, the idea of having those conversations is scarier, most of the time, than actually having those conversations. That’s a good thing for me to remember.
- 50:28 If you can communicate all of those things, build them in, and still get them on board, now they’re not just on board with your goal, but they’re on board with you in your journey toward that goal—whatever that looks like.
- 50:45 Sean: Exactly. You’re a story teller. Think about any of the movies that you watch. It’s not just, “Open the door, walk across the street, and you win the prize and reach the goal. The character wins. Movie’s over. 20 seconds long.” The movies have ups and downs. They have challenges. Cory and I are going through a workshop I bought on story telling from a film maker, and there are different stages of the hero’s journey.
- 51:18 That’s what you’re getting people on board with. They’re getting to live a movie. It doesn’t matter if you fail. Of course you’re going to fail! It’s in the script. If you’re going to write a good story, you can’t just have everything going well for the person the whole time. That’s not a hero. There has to be an overcoming. There has to be failure. There has to be a low point. It’s going to happen.
- 51:57 That’s the coolest part. That’s why I am so excited to have people on board when we’re at the bottom. We start at the bottom, and now we’re here.
A lot of times, the idea of doing anything big that you haven’t done before is scarier than actually doing it, like talking honestly about your fears surrounding your goals.
When people are bought into you and your journey, they get to celebrate with you.
Listen & Show Others Respect
- 52:20 Cory: You know what the most satisfying feeling is? Having a conversation with someone, and then they say, “Hey, how is X?” They say it exactly how you’ve been wording it. In my case, “Hey, you’re making a film, right?” I’m like, “Wow, someone actually knows!” Then they say, “It’s a feature film,” not just like a short film, so they know the difference there, and then they say, “It’s a feature film about communication. How is that going?” My mouth drops.
- 52:45 I’m like, “That is amazing! Someone is listening.” And that’s because I have invested in every person in my life. They all know that I’m making a film. At least they know that, if they don’t know what it’s about or anything else. It’s such a special moment when someone repeats your goal to you. That’s such a cool feeling. You do invest in relationships. That’s how you get people on board.
- 53:16 Ryan McCabe said this to me one time. He said, “You show respect to gain respect,” or something along those lines. If you want to be a respected person, you have to be respectful. Listen to them.
- 53:44 Sean: I can’t remember if this was a book, a video, or something I read recently, but it was basically that. Be the person you want other people to see you as. Here’s how it works. If you go out of your way to respect people, if you’re overly respectful to other people, they will think of you as respectful. They will have respect for you. It’s a human thing, we naturally imitate and mirror the other person. That’s how we build rapport and connection with people.
- 54:29 You’ll start to pick up on people’s body language. Without even thinking, you’ll start moving like them and even talking like them. You go somewhere where there’s a slight accent or something, and you might try not to, but you kind of mold a little bit to them. It’s just a human thing. When you are respectful to someone, they will have respect for you. When you’re kind, when you listen, when you’re attentive to them, they will listen to you. They’re like, “Oh, he’s a good listener. He’s worth my time.” When you are that person to other people, they will do that right back to you, and they’ll think of you as that person.
- 55:14 Cory: Maybe how you get people on board with your vision is you get on board with theirs.
You get people to really listen and be invested in what you have to say when you show them respect.
Care About the People in Your Life
- 55:23 Sean: Ben, do you think people know I care? Do you think they know that I’m doing this episode because I really care about them, about you, the listener and your success? I want you to achieve every version of success that you have for yourself. I want you to see your vision through to reality. I want reality to align with your mindset. I want everyone in your life on board with your vision.
- 55:51 I’m not here to make people’s lives more difficult or give you unnecessary challenges. When I’m passionate about it, that’s where it’s coming from. It’s coming from this deep rooted care for you.
- 56:15 Ben: What I really like about this episode, and I hope this is what people heard more than anything, is that step one really is investing in other people. We do that in some ways by default, but I don’t think many of us are very purposeful about that. If we are purposeful about that, maybe at some point we tip our hand and we say, “I want everyone to be on board with this thing I’m trying to accomplish, but the best way I could think to do that is to pour into the lives of the people I care about most.”
- 56:58 They start picking up on that as well. What would it look like if the people who were closest to you were that invested, purposefully, in each other’s lives? That would be really awesome. We have a tendency to do that passively, just because we care about each other, but I don’t think many of us are actively doing that. That’s what excites me most, that that’s step one. That focus and emphasis seems to be more important than you actually going for and achieving your goals.
- 57:41 I think that almost happens as a byproduct because you’ve built in so much reciprocity. I don’t like saying that because that sounds transactional, but it kind of is. That’s the way healthy relationships work. Be the first giver.
- 58:00 Sean: I asked people in the chat if they were challenged by this episode and I got no replies, so I don’t know. Maybe we shouldn’t have even recorded it. I wanted people to think. It’s okay if people have different ideas or approaches. It’s totally fine. I hope I got you to think about it. I’m trying to create a headspace for you. A lot of times, I link people to episodes and they read the show notes, but they skim the show notes in 40 seconds. This creates a head space for you to think. I hope that was useful to you.